Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
