happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
