I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
