So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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