I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
