how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
