she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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