there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
