Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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