Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
