im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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