Need sex. Gaining weight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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