can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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