your parents love me but you hate me
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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