this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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