I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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