Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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