I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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