There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
