My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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