Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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