I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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