Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
