Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
