false alarm. still invincible.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
