thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
