What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
