So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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