Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize