hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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