I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
