I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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