Just fell off a train. Bad.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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