Someone shit on the floor
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
