I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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