3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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