I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
