just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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