He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
