okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
did i walk over a car last night?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
