Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
