Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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