He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
