Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
