Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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