remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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