I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
