Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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