i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
