everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
