Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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