haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
