OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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