I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
