In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
