Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
