the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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