i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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