sarcasm needs its own font
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
