Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
