hotel room ftw
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
