her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
