The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
